Someone needs this. 
Things did not go as planned, perhaps your world is shattered, and the many broken pieces seem impossible to gather, let alone seek to mend.
There is hope.
Affliction
More times than I wish to recount and a complete listing is not needed. I do know brokenness, grief, shattered life, moral injury, and suffice to say have been in a dark pit and back. Sibling sudden death rocked my world more than once, divorce turned my world upside down at a young age. Each divorce my parents had brought blending, abandonment, and the dysfunction of family dynamics left me wrecked. Each time choices not of my own again assaulted my sense of security, confidence, and self-esteem. Oh, I have been inwardly torn in pieces. Add to those earthshattering events the sudden loss of a child, and I was quite an iceberg of wounds below the surface that few even knew I carried. I did not open up to very many, and even fewer seemed to care enough to ask.
After a twenty-year marriage of struggling inwardly and thus contributing to the outer struggle, the tipping point, despite every vehement refusal to be divorced, happened. My resistance ignited a depression that had me spiraling uncharacteristic to who I am. The moral injury left a soul wound that left me in shock yet resolve to be transformed from what I knew as a stigma no one wants. I had survived an attempt to take my own life.
Recovery and healing took time, my availability to show up for myself, and so much vulnerability to arrive at wholeness and complete healing. I’ve not only made it, but it is also now one of my dearest passion for helping others. My Father is God Almighty, the Great Physician. He knew where I was and never left me, but moreover, He met me right where I was and lead me out of the pit of despair.
Assent
Fast forward to ten years.
I boarded the plane to catch my flight to be graduated with a Doctorate that I once took a sabbatical from to gather the shards of a shattered life to heal. What seemed the end of many things ten years earlier, was actually the beginning of some of the most challenging growth I have faced! One labored breath at a time and sometimes moment to moment until I could sigh with the hope of the help I knew was the only possible way I would survive so much brokenness.
As I dozed off into a twilight sleep waiting for the flight to take off toward a significant milestone in my life, I heard and felt the plane take the runway. Dozing, yet aware that I had nothing but appreciation for that moment, I smiled and whispered a prayer of thanksgiving for that moment. Behind me, a little child marveled and exclaimed, look, mom! We are going up, up, way up! Suddenly, my heart was gripped. The child continued, we are going into the clouds now! Mom look. We are flying! Those words washed over me as I was overcome with the emotion of gratitude and whispered, Oh my. Looky here, Lord, Your daughter is flying! You have mounted me on wings like an eagle. Here we go, to where you knew I would be when I had failed so miserably. Father, you have done mighty work. You have allowed this moment, this journey, my future to take shape in ways I could not have fathomed. You have me on this plane with that child’s voice penetrating my soul with what you have done. I will do all that is in me to help others as you have prepared me to do in the way you have equipped me to do so.
I don’t know what your struggle is, or what invisible battle rages. Chances are that like me, you may carry more unseen wounds below the surface that others have never had the opportunity to walk with you through to a place of healing. I do know that there is an enemy waging war on people with the goal of killing, stealing, and destroying lives. Hei method of operation is wrought with isolation. Friend, to not withdraw, limit isolation to brief moments regrouping so that you can remain engaged in the community.
You are worth the fight, and you must fight to live. God does have a plan for you. Without God, I would not be where I am today. I urge that, however, severe your pain is, there is only a skin of truth to what you may be believing. The rest may be triggering frightening or life-threatening thoughts. Please do not succumb to partial truths packed with fatal lies. It is not your life that must end. It is the madness of the pain, chaos, confusion, heartache, and any other surmountable overwhelming thing felt in brokenness that must stop. It is not your life that needs to end. It is that brokenness that needs to be restored and start the road of recovery and healing.
From the book of Isaiah 40:28-31
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
I did not know how, when I hit rock bottom, but I did determine to seek the One that knew how every shattered part of my life would be used to help me and help others.
It is my deepest desire and I urge you to get help. Seek peer support on the journey to recovery. Someone that has fought the battle before you may be the battle bud you need to find your way out of the woods. Professional help is most advised, knowing that God never wastes a hurt is how I know that what has been redeemed and restored is not mine to keep. It is is a charge you, to someone you love to keep living.
You are a victor, the enemy does not get the victory in your brokeness. This pain will not last. Choosing to end life as the enemy might urge, will only magnify and perpetuate your pain as it transfers to others.
Satan would like to have you believe that others will be better off with you. It just is not true.
When you want to give up, that means you have something significant to give up, be lost, be killed, be stolen, be killed so that your life purpose is snuffed out prematurely. Get up and fight. There is only one you! Fight the good fight.
Today, as I soar and have an aerial perspective and hindsight, I can see that indeed, God is working all things together for good. He has transformed my pain to be productive in advocating for suicide prevention.
I had no idea when I started doctoral studies that I would complete the course of Doctorate of Ministry in Crisis Response and Suicide Prevention. Friend, the rest of your story is yet to be lived and written. Stay in to win it! Be that “more than a conqueror,” that God already knows you are!
Get help!
Blessings,
Dr. Veronica Sites
Hope Line for Help (800) 784-2433, or text https://www.crisistextline.org/textline
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